The Encounter: How I Almost Fell Into Temptation Post LGBTQ Life

She held all the elegance of a ballerina.

Her heart shaped face made mine flutter the way eyelids do when facing erratic gusts of wind.

This feeling…since leaving the LGBTQ, I hadn’t felt in some time. 

Before knowing Christ, this was the goal. To seek this kind of love. 

But now things were different. 

I knew it to be forbidden fruit. 

I knew it to be dangerous.

I was playing with fire.

She looks at me, lips framing a smile that would make Mona Lisa jealous.

“See I kind of thought you were Gay…but now… I’m not too sure. ” 

Somehow, our conversation had gotten here. 

And really, her statement wasn’t a statement at all. 

It was a question. 

Hidden within it, an invitation.

Her slight forwardness, reminiscent of the apple that(with a little help) seduced itself into the belly of Eve.

Maybe I’d be able to stomach it, just this once. I thought.

It’s funny how temptation causes you to forget the weight of sin. 

How unhappy you were in it. 

Would I really sacrifice this newfound peace I had for a single moment?

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It was the desire to grow my portfolio as a post grad photographer that led me to this night. 

I put a post on instagram searching for interested subjects (men and women) to photograph.  

She responded. We had a few mutual friends and watched one another's stories from time to time. 

She was, in a word- exquisite.

I noted this while going through her instagram- a vetting process I considered necessary before photographing anyone. She was obviously attractive- but that didn’t mean I had  to be “attracted” I thought.

The problem with a “look don’t touch” sin policy is that it leads to 

touching sin, but not tasting it.

Tasting sin but not swallowing it.

But to resist swallowing your favorite food once you’ve chewed is nearly impossible. 

Because at this point, it’s a natural reflex. 

The enemy knows that from here- digestion is almost always certain. 

And digesting forbidden fruit always leads to death in the end. 

Ask Eve.

After thoroughly scrolling through her profile- I decided she passed my maniac screening test. 

I messaged her back, setting the time and place for our very first shoot. My studio apartment. 

This should be fine, I remember thinking. 

And plus- I don’t have the resources to rent out a studio. 

Naivety would have me believe that a desire for creative growth is why I respond with such haste to her DM.

What I’ve learned since, is that surface level intentions don’t always reveal the true “why” behind our actions. We have to be intentional in seeking God about even the most “innocent” desires we have, to see what is hiding beneath. 

I now see the unspoken expectation veiling itself within the guise of  portfolio development. 

In all honesty- I wanted to be in proximity of what God had prevented me from having. 

I’m not  exactly sure what led her to my door that night though. 

It doesn’t take much to lead two lost people into sin. 

During the shoot, I began to notice my admiration creeping beyond the lens of my Camera.

My heart fluttered each time I had to position her stance, or consider the angles of her face against the lighting.

The photo shoot lasted 30 mins - but she stayed a bit after. 

She was easy to talk to as we sat side by side. 

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She didn’t have to ask if I was Gay because I still looked it.

Her answer was in my presentation. 

I wore my masculinity like a robe that could be easily removed when convenient. 

I didn’t dare wear it to family gatherings. That would be enough evidence for Aunts and Uncles to convict me of what they’d been suspecting for some time. 

But when it came to campus events and social get-togethers, it was my second skin. 

My armor. For a moment, I became the kind of girl that attracted girls like her.

The switch always had an expiration though. I could never hide my innate femininity no matter how hard I tried. 

It’s quiet for a beat. And then She finally says it. 

“I’m bi-sexual.”

But I had already sensed that. My suspicion wasn’t in her presentation but in the way she engaged me. 

 “See I kind of thought you were Gay…but now… I’m not too sure. ” 

Here I was. Eye to eye with temptation, unwilling to resist and unprepared.

I knew nothing of putting on the full armor of God to resist the enemy’s schemes.

 My evil day had come and my knees were buckling under the pressure to stand.  

This moment could be pivotal. 

I could respond flirtatiously, re-opening the door to the sin that once plagued me, like a dog to his vomit, like an ox  to the slaughter.

I could lie and say “ girl I get that all the time. I’m not gay!” 

Or I could tell the truth… not my truth. But the one that existed before space and time and matter. The truth about the one who was, and is, and is to come. 

Cutting through the fog of desire…and bringing me back into reality, Christ- the truth, shows up as an uninvited guest. 

 Between my racing thoughts I can hear Him.

“This is not who you are.” He says. “This is not the way you learned Christ.”

My throat feels dry. My insides feel squirmy.

I didn’t want The Truth right now. 

I wanted my truth.

I wanted Her. 

I wanted dust and death.

Sin and grief. 

It’s funny how temptation causes you to forget the weight of sin. 

How unhappy you were in it. 

She continues on about something or another but I can’t hear her. My entire being feels hot, like all the oxygen was being stolen from the room. Did she not feel it? 

This weighty conviction, a manifestation of God’s sovereignty and Grace. A sign of his unyielding love for me. 

The question lingers…

I  go back and forth in my mind. 

It wouldn’t take much to persuade her. I could see that she was searching for something…anything to clue her in. What if I did engage her?…what would become of her soul? I knew that my new found knowledge of Christ made me responsible to God, myself, and to her.

If I took advantage of her curiosity, and used it as an opportunity to lead her into sin, her blood would be on my hands and God would judge us both. I had no excuse. I had encountered God and it changed me. 

She was more than her beauty.  More than a body. She was an image bearer of the true and living God. I had no right to diminish this value by defiling her, even if only mentally.  I knew that to look at a woman with lust was to commit adultery.

I’d never felt so close to sin, yet so far away. 

As much as I wanted to lean into the warmth of her pull— there was a pull that was greater and more potent.  I couldn’t be selfish. 

I can’t bring myself to engage her. 

The Holy Spirit was crashing the party- “ruining the mood” if you will. I was both devastated and relieved.

God had claimed me for Himself and it was time I accepted it as truth. Looking back, I recognize this as being the moment that solidified my decision to walk in freedom. I felt like Christ wrote his name on my heart officially.

Nothing came out of that night. I came so close to the line that it would have been easy to cross, yet Christ came into the space and changed everything and I’m so glad he did. 

Application Points:

1. We should never put ourselves in a position to be tempted. Scripture tells us to flee temptation, not engage it. 

1st Corinthians 6:18 

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

2 Timothy 2:22

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

2. We shouldn’t take advantage of the grace of God. Yes- God showed up for me that night, however, we should never entertain sin and expect for God to pull us out at the very last second. 

Romans 6:15-16

Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.

3. Giving into a moment of temptation can easily spiral into full fledged bondage. Scripture tells us to leave no room for sin, and not to give the enemy a foothold. In the same way, we should quickly cast down any thoughts that are contrary to the will of God. We must also pray against temptation in advance. 

Ephesians 4:27

Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]. 

2 Corinthians 10:5

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”

Matthew 26:41

“Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”